deepest gloom

Depression has a powerful narcissistic aspect. (No wonder it is the territory of creatives; all artists are egoists.) Its effect is to draw the self into the self: I am so miserable, my misery is greater than anyone else's around me, they cannot understand, my misery is special, my very own personal sump. It's horrible to admit it but there is a perverse pleasure in giving in to this lure of thoughts. They are insidious, compelling, and they drown out generative thought. That is what I fear most: the disappearance of thoughts. The nothingness. It's the most horrible state of mind, and it has an almost physical attribute; because of the inability to escape the sheer internalness of the experience, sanity begins to drift apart and floating in the void of unthinking becomes present reality. The inner vision is more compelling than real surroundings and colours everything with darkness. So lame then to realise that there is nothing special about the experience but that it is common, and January is a bad month for it. Today blue sky has broken through. The extra light is enough to show up how dirty the house has become and has shamed me into hoovering.

Tate ...

Dear Anna
Thank you for calling into Tate in relation to our current vacancies. Please do keep reviewing our website, http://www.tate.co.uk as we regularly update our vacancies and if you do see any position that you are interested in, please do not hesitate to apply to us.
For further help with your job search you could try the Recruitment and Employment Confederation (REC) website on http://www.jobseekers-uk.com , as they hold a list of other recruitment agencies which you may find useful.
Sorry we have been unable to assist you on this occasion, however I would like to thank you for your interest and wish you well with your search for suitable employment. Yours sincerely

what do I know?

If I know the maiden name of a friend's mother, is this knowledge? Is it something I have learned? Should I have learned this kind of information in school? And if I had, would it have served me as well? What shall I do with the things I know? How do I know that they are as they are? Which knowledge means anything?

deliberate failure

Yesterday while I was not around in the house I depended on my other half to let in the plumber to deal with (hopefully) the final adjustments to the disastrous plumbing and to make the bathroom usable on the eve of the house having extra people in it and more demands on our only working bathroom; but he failed to let the plumber in. Now this may have been a genuine mistake ... or was it deliberate? Was it a deliberate refusal to have a man/professional in the house to do a skilfull job because it's a challenge to male pride? Whilst I can't seriously accuse him of this kind of paranoid suspicion, nonetheless my justification is my father's behaviour which was the same: if my mother called someone in to get something done my father would give them hell, and her as well for "wasting money" when he could do it himself. My father did most things around the house until eventually it looked entirely botched from top to bottom. Our house is beginning to acquire this hallmark. I used to do a lot of DIY but I have run out of energy; I physically can't do the things I would once have tackled and my other half is just no good at them, he doesn't have a natural facility with materials and spaces. Over the years I have really come to not trust any DIY job being done by him; I have learnt to silently adjust things after he has "finished" - or there are ones I can do nothing about, like the ethernet cable that was strung across the bathtub and out of the window for two years, snipping it would have put paid to work communications; every time I dried myself and swung the towel over my shoulders it would snag on the cable. Doing anything together is beyond awful because I am not allowed to say anything, even pointing out the unsafeness of how he usually organises ladders. This is an epic area of domestic tragedy that runs and runs. As possibly also the water that continues to leak in the bathroom; I've no confidence that we can all use the bathroom over xmas without it leaking.

decorous

Having put aside all ambition to be employed for the time being either gainfully or in a creative capacity, I essayed some renovation and decoration in the home, long, long overdue, judging by the slut's lace in every nook.
I "did" the bathroom and felt reasonably satisfied with the effort; even though the plumbing is antediluvian it managed to pretend to be a real bathroom.  Then I turned my attention on the kitchen, likewise grotty and outmoded but at least cleaned up and ready to receive visitors willing to be distracted by xmas decorations.  I re-papered the corner of the wall that had shreds hanging off it since October '09 since the flooding from the bathroom, painted the ceiling, including the umpteenth layer over where the orange juice exploded..  I began the process of cutting fabric for draught excluding curtains ... then the stain appeared on the ceiling ... and another ... and some more.  An inspection of the floor under the bathtub upstairs revealed that water seepage was so extreme that not only the floor but the entire outer wall were soaked, really drenched to the heart of the mortar with pebbles falling out of the pebble dash.  So I had to rip out the entire bath facing, lining, disarray the shelves and ... I'm exactly back to where I started:
Having put aside all ambition to be employed for the time being either gainfully or in a creative capacity ...
The nub of the failure here is not the deteriorating plumbing but stubborn wills battling in a failing marriage with neither party willing to invest money in a house that will quite soon cease to be a home.

community art?

who coined that phrase?
and why do it? for the love of  it? mostly for money ...
somewhere lost in the mists of idealism I remember wanting to do art FOR people ... and have achieved many projects that I know left people thrilled with what they made but overall, I really couldn't give a toss - what community?

You know when your bush needs trimming ...

You know when your bush needs trimming when someone knocks at the door and offers to do it, as happened on Saturday; I declined and immediately regretted it, thinking of the hours of getting twigs in my face and of the mess of clearing up which is often worse than the task itself.

Well, the embarrassment of the unsolicited knock at the door combined with a sunny autumn day after a wet Bonfire Night, got me going: ten minutes into cutting down the laurel bush separating us from the neighbour, I chewed through the Alligator cable and shorted all the fuses.  Forty minutes later I was back in business after rewiring the cutter with its shortened cable, that is after going to the shops to buy new fuses, of which there were naturally none in the house.  Some hours of dirty work later and with the onset of dusk the chainsaw dislodged and Alligator had to be taken into the garage and I had to discover its entire construction to access the chain positioning and, for some reason, one securing nut was fractionally larger than the other, hence one fitted neatly into the ring spanner and the other didn't and I chewed off the corners ... grrrrrr

With darkness approaching I sawed the last few branches but retreated before it was too dark to see as I value my fingers and eyes.

So it turned into two days' of work and totally at the mercy of the weather - one weekend lost, not to speak of the damage to my back and hands ...

Artist: Years Around The Sun lyrics

Title: Failing At Art
Set your heart at ease or it will hold you under
Set your heart at ease and your soul
We got to believe in last chances we can't count on the world today
We'll listen to the radio and sing to the songs we hate
And we have been on the road all day
And we are still on the road tonight
And we'll listen to the radio as we stare in the Devil's eyes
We'll sift through the ashes the embers burn bright
Collect all we stole vanish in the night
We'll sleep with the masses, but stay out of sight
We stole our wages
Send "Failing At Art" ringtone to your mobile http://ace.jamster.co.uk/c_red_v2_dyn/?pid=19&artist=Years+Around+The+Sun&title=Failing+At+Art&tduid=38fe5d1e5e3779d144bf7f73c5da64ef&affId=1568252

It is with regret

Dear Anna-Marya,
Re: Christmas Temp.
Thank you for attending the interview for the above position, it was good to meet you.
It is with regret that we have decided not to offer you a position with Waterstone's at the present time.
Although we were impressed with your skills and abilities, we have seen candidates who more closely match our requirements.
May we thank you for your continued interest in Waterstone's and wish you every success for the future.
Yours sincerely,
Branch Manager
HEMEL HEMPSTEAD Marlowes

nadir

So maybe yesterday was another turning point: another job refusal (and for a crappy one at that, poorly paid and temporary), over the 'phone this time.  I was able to say 'thanks for letting me know' with sanguinity and considered that a moment of moving on had arrived.  Yesterday I had two conversations that centred on not exerting energies where effort was wasted.  Applying for jobs has become a waste of energy; I can easily dispose of 3-4 hours a day, opening e-mails from job-sites, filling in application forms and writing letters of application.  In 18 months of trying, I have had three and a half interviews; I say a 'half' because I cancelled one as it was for an internship and I really had to take myself to task not to go down that route, I had already made the decision that on no account would I do unpaid work.  The current trend for this is a scandalous exploitation of skilled labour invariably of little or no benefit to the participant.  My energies will be better bestowed creatively  ...

o one one one one o

what a terrible Samhain - barely a visitor - almost totally a failure despite baking and decorating

Scheiterhaufen

a little dance of semantics: my mother threatened me often with ending up on the 'Scheiterhaufen' and I thought it meant being part of a heap of failure, which was pretty well also her meaning.  I didn't realise until much later that it actually means a funeral pyre such as that used for burning witches.
In celebration of Hallowe'en I am baking a Scheiterhaufen which is also applecake.
my apple trees have performed so vigorously this year that I am threatened with complete failure to deal with the produce and we are eating apple with everything; nature's plenty, my challenge.

failure of failure

http://www.severalpursuits.org/?page_id=78
I submitted this blog as work dealing with failure but failed to get it included
I therefore submit this failure to the symposium for consideration

Pascal Bruckner

http://www.guardian.co.uk/books/2010/may/09/tyranny-of-guilt
political correctness not in our own interest

case note

the sun is shining
I am in a cafe in Brighton
I have a baguette of bacon and brie
it is delicious and biting into it suffuses with pleasure, the bread is fresh
and in my mind I feel utter terror, complete fear of the total downfall of society, terror at what my children (or even I) will experience and witness in the time yet to be
where does this fear come from? absorbed from the endless media orchestrated rhetoric of times of terror(ism) or is it post-memory? I don't know when my parents ever felt secure; the sense of 'needing to move at any moment' permeated every action, defined the way we lived.  I think it was the actor Sanjeev Bhaskar who I heard describing the 'suitcase on top of the wardrobe'; this is exactly where our suitcases were stored.  Just in case ...

Falling off the Face of the Earth

http://www.eurozine.com/articles/2008-07-08-hankiss-en.html

do I just suffer from a national characteristic?

Dear Compatriot

I wonder whether I qualify?

Dear Anna

Three Rivers District CouncilThree Rivers HouseNorthwayRickmansworthHerts WD3 1RLTel: (01923) 776611Fax: (01923) 896119DX: 38271 Rickmansworth
My Ref :Your Ref :Date :Contact :Tel No :Email Add :Department : ADO/UIArts Development Officer22 October 2010Charlotte Masters01923 776611charlotte.masters@threerivers.gov.ukLeisure and Community Services
Dear Anna
Temporary Part-Time Community Arts Development Officer - Interviews
Thank you very much for showing an interest in our Community Arts Development Officer post here in Three Rivers and spending the time with us at your interview. We had a very strong field, in terms of experience of prospective candidates and on this occasion you were not successful in gaining the position.
The panel appreciates the time you put into undertaking the various tasks and for preparing and presenting your presentation.
If you would like any feedback on the day please do not hesitate to contact me.
I wish you all the best and success with your future career.
Yours sincerely,
Charlotte Masters
Active Communities Officer

feeling successful

Both my parents had an unassailable conviction in their own success and , in a way, this was indisputable: they, both of them in different ways, quite literally had nothing when they came to Britain.  Whatever they came to possess in the way of a house and a lifestyle, albeit a skin-of-the-teeth one, was theirs.  They owed no-one.  They never borrowed.  They dutifully paid off their mortgage.  Therefore what they had was acquired in a direct cause and effect relationship. 
For me they had ambition, and, in their terms, I failed constantly, and continue to do so to this day.  No matter how successful any individual venture of mine, most of what I have done has existed outside the direct capitalist model of investment and return.  It is uncountable in financial return.  I've put more in than taken out, ergo negative returns, ergo failure.

Tinsel and Twinkle

Hi Anna-Marya,
Thankyou so much for taking the time to submit your work.
There's been some really interesting pieces submitted and it was a difficult choice, however we have now made a final decision and unfortunately your work has not been selected for the exhibition.
Many thanks and best wishes for the future,
Tinsel and Twinkle