drawing

the world surely has enough life studies.
the ability to draw was, in the first instant, the portal to being an artist, a recognition of the ability to see what's there.
but a lifetime and an art degree and immersion in the theoretical have pushed this towards seeing what is not there ...
so drawing in whatever form is about re-connecting

rejection

I regard this as a success: so far it is the only actual letter of rejection I have received in 9 months (interrupted) of job applications.  for the most part I have received few acknowledgments of submission and almost no rejections.  contrary to recommended practice, this makes it impossible to request feedback from 'employers'.

commitment

not managing a daily entry to the blog becomes another stick to beat myself with. (split infinitive - bad grammar, also deserves punishment).
before starting a blog I produced a stack of sketchbooks with random musings - these I think describe the nature of thought: consistent but random, and are, in themselves, a body of work.  it's my belief that, were I to collate their entire content, to organise it, to impose taxonomy, an oeuvre would emerge.  will I ever do this? quien sabe.
a blog is a different model of thought collection.  I might almost resist its linearity, for, in my sketchbooks, I don't start at the beginning and work through to the end.  I might start anywhere and work 'backwards' or 'forwards', amend some previous thought, annotate something else.  the sketchbooks are primarily full of words, though I often doodle in them when listening to a lecture or someone talking; they are the conduit for nervous energy, the scribblings a mirror of another's rhythms of speech, the acknowledgement of my listening, which I do better if my body can do autonomous actions.  I can think better this way as well: whilst walking or gardening. 
my allotment, also, is an expression of mind sketches; sometimes I am aware of others gardening very seriously, digging rectangular beds and planting vegetables in straight rows.  do the vegetables appreciate this regimentation?  I often come to, realising I have been pottering for an hour, transplanting weeds, lobbing snails into the distance.  I have discovered a word, 'pottager', which I think describes the more random appearance of my allotment: a few vegetables here and there and some flowers amongst.

on failing

failure only has presence where there is agency.
to fail is to have attempted something, therefore 'failure' is a contradictory term.  real failure would be never to have attempted anything.  rather 'failure' is being diverted from the intended outcome.

failed conversation

Sometimes in the garden or allotment I think ' my father would have liked that'.  It's a thought based on very scant information.  Just a few times in the last few years of his life my father volunteered information about things he liked: very frilly and pink fuchsias and motorway flyovers.
Just these few details serve to highlight how little I knew about what he thought; and I don't think he ever even asked what I liked.
So this is all part of a conversation that never took place.

on diaries

http://www.artvehicle.com/asides/13?utm_medium=email&utm_source=Emailmarketingsoftware&utm_content=504655551&utm_campaign=Artvehicle48+_+oiluyr&utm_term=OnDiaries

what is failure?

and my son is awarded a 'U' for his History A Level retake, after a year of not being at university, after £500 of private tuition fees, after hours of re-studying; this is all just too painful, especially as it's a lower mark than what he achieved last year.  How is this even possible?
I've had a shot at life and take 'failure' in my stride now, move on, but my son's frustration is much harder to tolerate.

26th February - cranes return to Europe, heralding spring

http://www.flickr.com/photos/40595440@N03/sets/72157623532883958/